This book is about how God can help us forgive past hurts, even when we are struggling to forget. Lysa TerKeurst offers a glimpse of hope with her personal story and practical advice on what this means for us in community and relationships today.
“Forgiving What You Can’t Forget” is a book about how to live a life that is free of guilt. The author, Lysa TerKeurst, discusses the importance of forgiveness and how it can change your life for the better.
Are you seeking for a synopsis of Lysa TerKeurst’s book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget? You’ve arrived to the correct location.
After reading Lysa TerKeurst’s book, I wrote down a few significant takeaways.
If you don’t have time, you don’t have to read the whole book. This book synopsis summarizes all you can take away from it.
Let’s get this party started right now.
I’ll go over the following points in this Forgiving What You Can’t Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again book summary:
What is it like to forgive something you can’t forget?
Reading Forgiving What You Might’t Forget can help you recover from previous injuries. The author proposes forgiveness as a method to come to terms with terrible memories of childhood abuse and marital infidelity.
Who is Forgiving What You Can’t Forget’s author?
Lysa TerKeurst is the founder of Proverbs 31 Ministries, a Christian organization committed to assisting women in their spiritual growth. It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way (2018) and Uninvited (2017) are two of her other New York Times best-sellers (2016). At her gray farm table in North Carolina, she enjoys writing.
Who is willing to forgive something you can’t forget?
Reading Forgiving What You Can’t Forget is not for everyone. It could be perfect for you if you are one of the following people:
- Anyone who has experienced heartbreak
- Christians who want a deeper relationship with God
- Anyone who wishes to see pain in a new light.
Summary of the Book Forgiving What You Can’t Forget
Introduction
Lysa TerKeurst’s suffering felt eternal.
When she found out her husband had been unfaithful, she burned every photo of them together and packed away all of their belongings. The only thing she could think of was to disconnect her life from everything that reminded her of the past.
Attempting to obliterate her husband’s memories did not alleviate her anguish; rather, it exacerbated it.
She recognized that if she hung on to her pain, she would never be able to recover – and that her life would be defined by what her husband had done to her. Forgiveness was the only way she could handle her grief. Her marriage was rescued, and she gained the ability to heal.
TerKeurst utilizes forgiveness to make peace with terrible memories in this book.
Lesson 1: The first step toward mending is forgiveness.
Have you ever had a heartbreak so severe that you believed it would never heal?
After learning that her husband, Art, had cheated on her, she felt thus way.
For weeks and months after learning this, she couldn’t stop thinking about being placed under anaesthesia — like a hospital patient awaiting surgery. The sadness and shock she experienced would not have had an impact on her life or the lives of her children.
After some time, the author recognized that clinging to her misery wasn’t going to help her. To heal from the trauma, she had to learn to forgive the guy who had harmed her.
When the author was depressed, it was difficult for him to forgive. Her idea of forgiveness was that it would be like waging an endless struggle by herself. But after a time, she recognized God was there to assist her.
Jesus helps grace flow freely through us, according to Ephesians 4:7, so that we might learn to forgive one another. The verse was understood by the author to suggest that we can forgive because we can collaborate with God, not because of our own free choice.
As humans, we find forgiving challenging. When others wrong us, our first impulse is not to bless or console them. In fact, our initial instinct is to injure them again.
God knew it would be impossible for people to learn to forgive on their own. He gave us the capacity to forgive others without depending on our own efforts as a result of this. When we’re hurting and all we want to do is flee and hide, God takes over. Our power would never be enough to make up for the wrongs he overlooks.
In human relationships, forgiveness isn’t necessarily about making apologies. It’s all about obeying God’s commands. When we let go of the need to punish others for their actions, we are free to go ahead.
Whenever you feel hopeless, turn to God for assistance. As you release forgiveness from your lips, you will begin to heal.
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Lesson 2: Delaying forgiveness until the appropriate moment comes will simply postpone your recovery.
A few months after her marriage broke down, the author strolled into a planned therapy appointment. She had clearly forgotten her own requirements.
Her dark circles were caused by weeks of little sleep. Her knotted hair adhered to the dry shampoo. She hadn’t used deodorant in a long time.
The author confessed her difficulty to forgive her spouse during a session with her psychotherapist, Jim. She was emotionally exhausted.
The author’s spouse seemed to have little regret for what he had done at the time, and they divorced for a long time. How was she supposed to work on forgiveness if she didn’t feel ready to forgive?
During the therapy session, Jim asked the author whether she wanted to repair old wounds.
The author had a strong desire for this. She required reparation, or for those who had harmed her to recognize their error, before she could begin the healing process. This would make things seem more just to her, and she may even be able to forgive those who have wronged her.
If the author had waited for things to seem fair, she might have waited indefinitely. It wouldn’t reverse what had already occurred if the individuals who had wronged her repented.
Because she was aware of this, she was able to separate her recovery from the decisions of others.
After the author conveyed this information to Jim, he handed him a stack of 35 cards. She intended to list the things for which Art wanted forgiveness – one wound each card.
The author wrote out hundreds of cards, pouring out all of the things that had badly harmed her. Jim then gave her a bundle of red felt squares and told her to arrange the cards in a long line on the floor.
Her forgiveness had to be stated orally, and each card had to be sealed with a piece of red felt.
The author was able to obtain a fresh perspective on her circumstances as a result of this activity. Art didn’t have to legitimize or justify her suffering, she realized. All that was required was to state, acknowledge, and accept it as true.
Lesson 3: Coping methods are ineffective in the long term.
We do a variety of things to dull the discomfort while we’re in agony.
Some individuals use alcohol, drugs, or casual sexual relationships to deal with sadness. Others may behave too optimistically, as if to persuade themselves that everything is OK.
That is exactly what the author did. She kept telling herself that everything was OK and that her husband had been forgiven for betraying her.
Her therapist, on the other hand, disagreed. The author was warned that she was over-spiritualizing her life because she was rejecting her emotions. As a consequence, she was unable to cope with her anguish.
In the short term, we might manage by being too optimistic or using narcotics to dull our emotions. The issue is that they do not, in the long term, assist us in dealing with our situations. They keep us stuck in an artificial world that hides our true suffering.
However, if we continue to live in this manner, our circumstances will not improve. In order to heal, we must embrace the truth. This will enable us to determine which aspects of ourselves still need healing and, ultimately, move on.
The author sought out a counselor as part of this procedure. The author was making certain hyper-spiritual claims that were preventing her from healing, as the counselor pointed out. “God will make all things right in His time,” and “I have forgiven because I am a Christian” were among the sentiments made.
As the author recognized these things, she realized that she was not only distorting her reality to cope with the grief, but she was also avoiding forgiveness from her spouse. Her unwillingness to go on was keeping her from doing so.
There are valid reasons for us to oppose forgiveness — it’s quite natural. There’s a chance the person who injured us may retaliate. It might be difficult to start forgiving.
Clearly, the author lacked the ability to forgive. When she unraveled her history, recognized the pain she had suffered, and opened herself to the teachings of the Bible, she realized what she needed to do to recover.
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Lesson 4: Forgiveness necessitates a return to the past.
As she penned her book about forgiveness, she was still coping with her husband’s infidelity.
Her Bible and the tears that spilled from her eyes at her house’s gray wooden table were her sole solace in the morning. On other days, she would sit with pals among her coworkers. Every single one of them had experienced suffering – and many of them were yet to forgive.
They recognized they were still influenced by the unforgiven things from their pasts after spending time at the gray table. After they broke up, one woman’s ex-boyfriend got engaged, and the notion of them being together tortured her.
Things from our history, such as interpersonal issues or childhood trauma, might impact our grief and loss in the present. To properly heal our wounds, we must travel back in time and find things we went through decades ago that still influence us now. This was referred to by her therapist as “gathering dots.”
The author highlights certain parts of her background that have shaped how she perceives relationships now in her article. For example, the author grew up in a single-wide trailer with her mother, sister, and a generally absent father. Her father abandoned the family when she was just a few years old.
A babysitter who lived next door to her grandma molested her frequently when she was a teenager. She was also informed that the abuser would harm her mother if she told anybody. As a result, she had to keep it hidden.
The author became an unhappy youngster after being tormented at school and misunderstood at home. She felt uncomfortable, neglected, and untrustworthy of men as a result of this.
When the author connected the links in her life, she understood forgiveness isn’t simply about what’s in front of us. The quest might sometimes be more about discovering artifacts from the past and how they relate to our lives now.
After gathering the dots, connect the dots by understanding how previous trauma effects our current behavior. Next, we’ll look into this.
Lesson 5: You must update your views in order to connect the connections.
Her views on men were developed long before she met Art, her husband. Because of the individuals in her past who had hurt her, such as her father, who had abandoned the family, she held these ideas.
The author taught herself repeatedly throughout her life that she should not trust men and should maintain a safe distance from them. The author was delighted she made an exception for Art for a bit. After that, he betrayed her.
What was the most hardest part of forgiving her ex? The author, on the other hand, understood she had to forgive Art, as well as the other men who had wronged her.
When recovering from prior experiences, we must create connections between what occurred in the past and how those events influenced how we perceive the world now. This is what the author means when she says “connect the dots.”
During their marriage, the author found she struggled to accept Art’s assurances of love to her. “Are you sure you mean that?” she questioned him many times.
It was partially due to the author’s natural aversion to males. Art’s incapacity to communicate was also a factor. This is why.
After learning of Art’s infidelity, the author and her husband had an open and honest discussion. Both of them gave reasons for their marriage’s demise.
The author learned that she wasn’t the only one with unresolved anguish. Art was also affected by pain.
Art’s sentiments were never addressed when he was a youngster, thus he grew up never expressing emotions. The author, on the other hand, grew up in a household that was known for its outbursts of passion.
This combination harmed their relationship. Art was meant to console and reassure the author in ways that no one had ever done before. Regrettably, he had no notion how to conduct these discussions.
Because of Art’s candor, the author realized why their relationship had been strained for so long. His objective was to be accepted by her, while hers was to be accepted by him. They weren’t catering to each other’s requirements.
The author’s purpose in connecting the connections wasn’t merely to figure out how tragic experiences from her past effected her current life. She also wanted to express her understanding that Art needed to recover.
The couple reconciled and even repeated their wedding vows after understanding one other’s pain and deciding to recover together.
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Lesson 6: You may reframe your pain and move on in a healthy manner by connecting the dots.
Is there anybody you know who takes things personally? Others are out to get him, or they don’t think he’s good enough, he believes.
These people often attach intentions incorrectly and view events adversely. What gives? Because they’re in mourning. They haven’t linked the dots to comprehend what needs to be forgiven in the past.
It’s not enough to connect the links and gather data. It’s just as crucial to fix the mistakes. As a consequence, you must examine your ideas to ensure that they are life-giving and constructive, based on what you’ve experienced.
The author had a deeper grasp of her life once she started to connect the dots in her life. It was her method of expressing her feelings about what had transpired. And she realized she couldn’t do anything about what had occurred.
The next step was to find out how to proceed. Consider the following scenario.
During the drafting of the book, the author considered the persons from her life who appeared in each narrative and tried to figure out what unpleasant feelings she still had for them.
This was done by concentrating on her bodily and emotional reactions to each person’s name. Is my heart beating faster or my jaw clenching? Are my eyes becoming watery? Is it a hidden pleasure for me to learn that they are having difficulties? Is it a fantasy to see them accept their mistakes?
If she answers yes to any of these questions, she will rephrase things in a more positive light. How may I approach this differently? was one of the new set of questions. What would be the advantage of forgiving them?
Her next step was to study Bible scriptures to convince herself that her pain was not in vain. She was reminded in Romans 5:3–5 that suffering might provide her with persistence, character, and hope if she continued to trust in God.
What would a healthier version of her be able to do from here? she wondered. She kept track of her responses in her notebook. She was able to better understand herself and rectify her viewpoints by doing this on a regular basis.
Lesson 7: Forgiving the things you can’t alter is often the most difficult.
A black-and-white photograph of the author as a youngster shows him reclining against a tree. Her long brown hair is tangled ringlets around her face. She grins softly on her lips.
The author remembers not being in a good mood at the moment. Her grandmother’s next-door neighbor was assaulting her, and she was crying for assistance inside.
As she reflects on the incident today, the author recognizes she was robbed of her youth, innocence, and youthful imagination. Her attacker had also tugged her into a hole of terror, which she now battles to escape every day.
How can we prepare ourselves to forgive when we see something so tragic? The author asked herself this question as she started to absorb the trauma she had experienced.
The author has spent her whole life believing she was unworthy of love. Her greatest concern was that people will constantly exploit her and dump her. Even today, her mentality is that the worst may happen, and she is continually prepared for it.
When we’re in the midst of tremendous anguish and hurt, it may be difficult to forgive — particularly when someone has impacted not just one season of our lives, but our whole lives. Holding on to hurt or anger, on the other hand, limits our capacity to recover.
Remember that forgiveness is more rewarding than retribution when it comes to forgiving someone who has harmed you.
When we are injured, we frequently believe that getting even with the person who caused it would make us feel better. However, retaliation may be emotionally and spiritually taxing.
We pay twice for our pain when we seek revenge: once for the harm done to us, and again when we trade the short-term advantage of forgiveness for the long-term reward of vengeance.
Forgiveness does not free someone of duty. The goal is to give the Lord your desire for retribution. It makes it possible for God to forgive you on your behalf.
When the author let go of her need to punish her abuser, she found a degree of tranquility she had never expected to find. She never forgot what had happened to her; she just learnt to accept it as one chapter in her continuous journey.
Lesson 8: Forgiveness is a continuous process, not a destination.
If you’ve ever had a broken tooth, you know how painful it can be.
The exposed nerves of a damaged tooth make chewing very painful. Breathing becomes much more difficult. Worst of all, If you attempt to bite into an apple after forgetting that your tooth is broken, you will be in a lot of agony.
This is how it feels to be traumatized. On the surface, you may seem to be doing well. However, when you are provoked by anything, you may experience unresolved pain.
If this occurs to you, don’t give up on your goals. Consider it a first step toward forgiveness.
We all go through trauma, whether short-term and long-term.
In the author’s account, Art’s affair was the first impact. Even though that season has past and many years have passed since then, she is sometimes thrown off by a negative memory or provoked by something someone says – and the anguish strikes her like a freight train. Long-term consequences exist.
When the author is prompted, she employs a plan. She tries not to let the sensation derail her by identifying what it is and what she should do about it. When she sees a photograph that reminds her of a difficult period in her life, she takes a few seconds to think on what she has lost.
She keeps an eye out for any signs of worry. Are these anxieties from back then, or do I need to focus on something right now?
She also rates her feelings toward the individual involved on a scale of nice to neutral to furious to yearning for vengeance. She then decides if she needs to speak with someone or simply write it down in her diary.
All of this is referred to by the author as “ongoing forgiveness.” You may never be able to forgive yourself for what has happened to you. All that counts is that you take the first step.
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Final Thoughts
Power and conquest have traditionally governed the planet. Many things have changed in modern times, yet control and power remain crucial. You may become a strong force by understanding history’s triumphs and mistakes.
Additional Reading
If you enjoyed Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, you may be interested in the following book summaries:
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Lysa TerKeurst is the author of “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget,” a book that helps readers identify and forgive their own sin. The book also provides practical advice on how to move forward after forgiveness. Reference: lysa terkeurst new book 2022.
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